My Journey Home

Luke 15: 21 - 24
[21] And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.
[22] But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:
[23] And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:
[24] For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.

When I was a young Christian, I often dreamt about that my mum would happily sent me off to church every Sunday, which didn't happen then. But of course, I didn't listen to God in any possible way.

When I accepted Christ, I was only 14. At that age, many things happened. I came out to work, discovered a short (but kind of useless) philosophy, my Godma's attempted at suicide, and finally understood what homosexuality is about. Since then, I have backslided, countless times. In fact, I backslide so much that, very few knew I was a Christian! I'm 25 now, only now, I realised, that it is difficult, very difficult to be Christian.

The biggest problem I ever had was that I've never blamed myself, too proud, too stubborn. Probably because adults around me always said I was wise, which boast up my already-in-existance ego. I don't really understand the words "respect" or "appreciation".

The fact that I never blamed mysekf was bad enough. So much could have been done to help my family. If I worked hard, and saved money. I could have stopped my mum's diabetics from detoriating if I don't encourage supper and liquor, but joining/ urging my mum, every night. In the end, I even picked up smoking and become an alcoholic.

I placed my own pride in my own songs, thinking they're the best. Indulging in my own world and pain, I didn't appreciate life, only live each day as it is, hoping I would never have to wake up from my sleep. I was without purpose, goal.

I turned away any good advice, sometimes even cursing them. And I was very lazy. Very, very lazy. I told lots of lie, watched lots of porn. In other (one) word, sinner.

My mentor once told me, "If God can give you a gift, He can take it away too." Of course, and as usual, I never took that advice. SO I went on drinking, smoking, sympathizing my own pain, spending money that wasn't even my own.

I always thought. "Hey, I'm good enough. I've tried my best." Not having a girl friend, paid rent, I wasn't even worshipping any "idols". That's the best of me, coming from a broken and violent family. Father who exist only to be a leech (imagine that! Asking money from a 14 ys old), mother who fell into depression (because of Dad too), sisters whom I thought didn't care (couldn't wait to leave home, yes, because of Dad...) So come the time, I don't have any peace, no matter what I do, I sunk deeper into depression, indulge in self affliction, chain smoke and drinking. And yes, how do you find peace, when you kept falling into temptations, right into the arms of the devil?

Mum used to be my pillar of strength. She filled my heart. Everything that she do or advice is right. Till she found out that Dad spent all his CPF money on some woman, my sisters would not house us unless mum promised that Dad wouldn't come to the house. Two nights, she caused such great disturbance, she was caught by the police. What did Dad do? He sat there and laughed at how silly mum was.

As she was handcuffed, my heart broke. I started crying uncontrollably. The same kind of tears that only happen when I was young (when mum and dad quarrel). i felt so helpless and frustrated. the police has never seen a woman causing so much trouble! There were seven or eight of them, only one was a woman. Apparently they radioed for a woman because mum was kicking vigorously and they were all worried about their "Fathers' Day". It took them more than 2 hours to finally decided to bring her to the police station.

She was screaming my name away in the night. The police wouldn't allow me to follow. The pain was unbearable, I really wish I could die at that very moment.

Suddenly, the house was quiet. I could only hear myself. I called my sisters, only the 2nd one picked up. My elder couldn't because she was sleeping with her three children. my second sister comforted my somehow. But I needed more, so I texted my mentor. It was already 3am in the morning, but still her reply came shortly. "Pray. Go to sleep. You need to be strong for your mother." Just pray? Well, what other choice could I have? All I said was, "Father. Help me." And fell asleep rightaway.

When mum came back, her depression started. I was lost. At work, I flopped. At home, I fake as if i was strong. My friends suffered somehow because my temper was horrid. My mentor pulled me back to God, but my pride and jealousy got ahead of me.

I was strong for awhile. But strength will neer last when you depend on yourself. I quitted my fulltime job, just because i was jealous over a promotion I thought was rightfully mine. i went back to free lancing, and continued my bad habits.

For that, the consequences were heavy. Wuith my full time pay, I could have gotten a home loan from the bank and buy a house for my parents, instead of moading, and dad without a place to sleep or bathe in.

Wait, I know what you want to say. Parents??? Yes, my dad is a jerk for not being the breadwinner, for beating us up when he's not happy, not supporting our education. But if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be me today.

God definately has His use for me, but I was so blinded by my pride, I reused to see. Yes, my dad's a jerk. "But mum's always so sacarstic and harsh on him too," says my elder sister. the reason why he couldn't stay with us now, is because the rooms I'm renting are for female only. So you see, the consequences are so much to suffer emotionally, mentally, spiritually. what I have to change, was the entire lifestyle I was having.

The truth dawned on me on a quiet Sunday night. Street Festival just ended. And I got to admit. It's been my worst performances. I've lost control over my vocals. As usual, I was broke, drowning in my own pain. then,

"Hey, since you're not singing so well, quit smoking and drinking then."

Well, I guessGod speaks to you whan it's really very quiet.

The next two month was.... Hell.. It started as a little dry, chesty cough. Then the following two weeks, the minute I started sensing smoke, air refreshner, perfume from a distance, I'll get an asthma attacj. I kept hyperventaliting for no reason. I could hardly sleep. In short, I was actually suffering from withdrawal symptoms. The reason being, base on my mentor, if you have any illness before you smoke, you'll get it when you quit. That's because your body was so used to the nicotine, so when you stop feeding it, your body takes awhile to adjust back.. Hmm, or should I say, learning to move on without the need of nicotine.

Now, even after 7 months，I still get sick occassionally. My body has grown weaker. If I smell smoke in a distance, i'll walked the other way around that guy. I started detesting the smell of ciggerettes and taste of liquor. I admit I drank a sip twice. Once was a toast to a close friend who past on. the other time was when I didnt know what concoction my sister made, and with my stuffy nose, i sipped. Now I even have to think twice about adding cooking wine into fish soup.

All of a sudden. My circle of friends seemed to have shrunk. Maybe because I don't dirnk and smoke, so there's literally no reason to hole up in the toilet (smoking) or go clubbing (drinking) with them. And on my end， I refuse to pay a club's entrance fee, a $6 (maybe higher now) glass of coke, and cab fare ( I live at yishun man!) home. In my old days, a night like this would cost me $200 to $300 plus? Sometimes, most of the time, the money wasn't even mine.

And nights like those, I could chain smoke up till 2 packs (i.e. 40 sticks) a night, drink about 2 jugs of liquor, then go home, puking all over the place, which will cause my stomach to upset for the whole week.

Well, enough of that. Now, I hae an urge to work. And I did. Mum was so proud and plased when I asked if she wanted me to buy any groceries. I started going back to church (21/10/07), getting more involve with church, service and fellowship. And for the first time, I have dear. I'm afraid I'll backslide again. And for those who think i shouldn't get too distracted in Church (like Martha), hey, listen, when it's time for God's words (like every morning, evening, bible study, etc_ I quiet down, and listen. I know myself. I rather put myself to full use, serving in His house, than staying at home, and be ever so easily distracted.

Anyway, it;s good news. I've changed for the better. My goal/ purpose has changed. Even thought I still feel distance from my friends, I still love them and I prayed that they'll discover God's love and grace.

I used to wake up, thinking to myself, "Let's get this day over and done with !" And before I sleep, "I wish I don't hae to wake up." Now? I can't wait for the day to start, for my health to get better so I won't keep getting sick leave from work. I sleep, giving thanks to God for putting everyone across my path and for keeping them safe.

The best way to show what you have learn, is to put in to good use. I'm never perfect, God is. He is still helping and encouraging me to change, and I'm trying my best. In Him, I found the courage to admit my mistakes, the sincerity of apologizing and appreciating people for what they have done, to resist the temptation of falling in love with the same sex. I am what I am, it's the choices I choose that made that diiference, a step closer according to the will and word of God.

He made my dream come true. Right now, I can ask my mum where she place my bible, or if I misplace it, she would help me find it (though she still have qualms about me going back as a christian). I can openly declare that I'm panicking over where to get a proper dress, blouse or proper ladies shoes (what do you call them?) because I'm serving in church chouir and she would keep an eye for me. I even told her I'm getting baptise on Easter and though she was angry, she did not disagree but said "whatever you want la". Thank God, she seemed to have given up complaining to me about my choices, and how she dislike them. She does that to my sisters instead.

In 21 Oct 07 a great sunday morning back, on the way back to church, in a cab with my mentor, I asked her, how do I write chrisitian songs, focusing on God and not commercialized. She told me the ones would by hymns or choruses (mainly kids' song) But being so influence pop and rock, that was quite difficult to digest. But hey, guess what's the message that day?

"Singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord"
Ephesians 5:18, 19
[18] And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the spirit;
[19] Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;

The moment I received the bulletine. I wanted to scream "Praise the Lord!" but insteaed the joyful cheer was in my heart and I showed my mentor the paper. She just smile and asked me to prepare my heart for the service. On that very day, I attended my first catechism class, deciding whether to go for baptism. After that day, I did made up my mind to be baptise on easter, The next question came to mind, "Do I need a middle christian name?" On the day I went back to Bible Study Fellowship, I asked my friend that. She said it's a personal choice, that involves some paper work to make it legal.

And! Guess what was mention in the lecture that evening? Whether or not we need another name, and the answer was "not necessary". Because that's not what redeemed us or make us Christian. It's what Christ has done...

I sat there, my mind blank, but I was exhilarated. I'm not declaring any self righteousness here, like I said I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I still dislike hearing good, concerning advice. Because I'm stubboen but somehow, I've stop arguing but heed and do self reflection.

I contacted my self-proclaimed-and-then-wage-war-with-t

hem enemies to apologise for hating them. If given my old self, I could never have done that.

To all my dear friends, do text me and say what I should change.
To my brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray for my mother's salvation and that I will continue to grow up this time.
To non-christian friends, I do pray we'll have a chance to talk about His wonderful love.

Well, I got to work now. God bless all of you!

P.s. Am on diet, and exercising.

Our God is truely an Awesome God.